Do you ever find yourself living a life that isn’t the one you intended, and you aren’t quite sure how you got there?  When I was living in Sarasota, I was getting to the heart of reducing my carbon footprint.  I had a small house (950 sq ft) with a super efficient envelope, a backyard raised-bed garden, a clothes line, no car… life was becoming simple.

And then I met a wonderful person who did not live in Florida.  I started to travel more, with him for work and to visit him in another state.  I tried to maintain my simple ways and small footprint, but it all basically went to hell!  As I write this, I cannot grow any veggies this summer because of my impending travel.  My carbon footprint is enormous from all the flights.  When I’m not in Florida, I am super-reliant on cars with no public transportation in sight.  This is not the life I was headed toward.

By the time this year is over, I will have taken at least 7 plane flights of 1200 miles each.  According to this New York Times article, I will probably cause the same carbon emissions from just my flights this year as someone’s entire year of driving. According to TerraPass, my flights will have produced around 9 tons of CO2 emissions by the year’s end.  The global average carbon footprint is 4 tons of CO2 equivalent per year.  The average in the United States is around 20 tons.  The average in the UK is 10 tons.  The average in France is 6 tons.  Clearly, I am doing something wrong (and so is the rest of America).

(I found another article that makes me so glad that my friend Andrew convinced me to take the train instead of flying in Europe last year.  Turns out the train is way better than flying.)

And so, I fear I have lost myself.  My soul gets heavy when I do not live in the manner that I wish to live (and that I wish others to live).  I have already given this year up to the Universe because there are so many extenuating circumstances in my life right now.  Funny, I did not expect my 40th year to go this way.

But I have claimed next year as my own.  I need to recenter myself around my ideals and intentions.  I need to remove all the inconsistencies that have built up over time.  I need to stop moving.  I need to be still.  I need to grow things.  I need to have a pet.  I need to reduce my impact on the environment. I need to get back to myself.

Most importantly, I need to connect with my community.  I miss being as involved as I once was.

Next year, I will be still and find myself again.