Today I did what I needed to do for me… I gave up.  I awoke from another night of barely sleeping and aching muscles and said, “That is enough.”  I did not come on this trip to punish myself.  I came here to learn, and I feel that my capacity to do that effectively has expired.  I went to the morning “circle” and participated, but then I came back upstairs to try to catch up on some sleep.

That, however, did not happen.  For just as I was about to drift into sweet oblivion, someone opened the very squeaky door to the dorms and came in to do something.  They left and 20 minutes later someone else came in.  Then about 30 minutes after that, another girl came in and very noisily packed up all her belongings as she was leaving the course early.  She hadn’t been participating for quite a few days as she had decided it wasn’t what she needed.  So, she took herself on field trips every day, much to my envy.  She told me goodbye on the way out as I fought the urge to break down sobbing over my frustrating attempts to sleep.

I wished I was leaving, too, for a place with a comfortable bed and some privacy.  And, it was at that moment that I decided enough was enough.  I had to take care of myself and my emotions.  My ability to take care of myself in this environment is limited, but I decided to take what measures I could.  First, I was not going to wallow around in the mud and rain next door for the service project.  Under normal circumstances, that would be fine – I like working outdoors as much as the next person.  But my sleep deprivation makes me not a very fun person to be around right now – not to mention that just about every muscle in my body is aching.  I just don’t frickin’ feel good, and I have not been able to take care of myself like I normally would in that circumstance.

I gave up on sleeping, however, because it was getting to frustrating.  So, I opened my computer and finished my portion of my group’s project for the class.  Despite the fact that I won’t be leaving with a certificate, I wanted to hold up my end of the bargain for my group.  So, I finished that up and felt good about my efforts.

Despite the fact that I was feeling too stressed out to be hungry, I did go down for lunch as I knew I should.  I didn’t eat a lot but probably enough to get by.  I am still fasting for dinners.

Then I decided a walk would do me good, so I went down to the charming little coffee stand that has been a great source of pleasure to me on this trip.  I got a caramel latte in my newly purchased BPA-free, recycled-content travel mug and left $8 for a tip.  (I haven’t been leaving one most times as I pay with my credit card.)

I considered joining the afternoon work crew, but honestly I’m barely going to have enough pain killers left to get me through the next few days, and I’d prefer not to come home with an addiction!

One of my classmates – Helen, the sweetheart – gave me a back rub, all the while commenting on how tremendously tight my muscles were.  I’m not making this stuff up, people!  I’m in pain!

Took a hot shower also, and am feeling slightly better.  Until, of course, I try to sleep on this torturous futon again tonight!